From Divorce to Rediscovering My Center.
Recently, so many changes have been sweeping through my life that it's hard to know where to begin. Since my divorce, it feels like I've been caught in a whirlwind, everything a blur. I held on so tightly to my marriage, desperately wanting it to work, shouldering the blame for all its shortcomings. I even sought therapy, convinced that I was the issue. I tried to affirm my way through it, to see the bigger picture, to hold my then-husband up to a higher light. Yet, no matter what I did, my internal world remained unchanged.
I struggled for a long time to admit to myself that I wasn't truly happy. I didn't feel seen, heard, or connected in our marriage. From an outsider's perspective, I had it all, and I felt pressured to be grateful and content. But as time passed, I felt my energy wane. I grew less confident, less comfortable in my own skin. I became a mere shadow of who I once was.
I fought with all my might to hold on, to salvage what we had. Getting a divorce and starting over was the last thing I wanted. Since childhood, I clung to this fairy tale notion of love. While I know he loved me as best he could, the truth was, I didn't love myself enough when I chose to be with him. I didn't stand up for myself when things felt wrong. I let him take the reins, and in doing so, I surrendered my power.
When I met him, he had buried his inner child deep within, a fact he was well aware of. I helped him find that lost part of himself, giving him a sense of safety once more. But the more I did that, the tighter he held onto me. And the tighter he held onto me, the more he tugged at my inner child, yearning for safety and security. In exchange for that, I sacrificed my own needs, my intuition, my higher self, molding myself to fit what made him feel secure.
When my son came into the picture, things grew even more challenging. I sank deeper into depression. It was only when I reconnected with my spiritual essence and started my coaching practice that I began to feel a spark of life. It offered me purpose. Yet, the more I delved into it, the more my husband sought ways to pull me down, to introduce strife into our marriage.
Then, in May of 2020, I was hit with these debilitating head pressures that left me bedridden for days on end. I had to confront what I'd been too afraid to admit: I wasn't happy in my marriage. We had no true common ground, no shared true north. I didn't want a relationship based on meeting others' expectations. I longed to be wild and free, to find a partner who understood there was so much more to life than ticking boxes.
I craved romance, nature, the unfettered spirit. To run wild together, to fall into each other's arms, to make love on the beach, to lie on rooftops under the stars, unburdened by the weight of societal norms. I yearned for a life that defied convention, where we could blend our unique styles in raising our child, rather than one person's way dominating. I needed to feel alive and deeply connected to my soul once more. In this marriage, I was dwindling, but I was also paralyzed by fear.
In life, we experience the swinging of the pendulum. On a collective level, we're currently witnessing this spiritual shift—a movement from one extreme to another. It's crucial to find our center, grounded in spirituality. We are both spiritual and human, so dwelling too long at one end of the spectrum isn't sustainable. We can't remain solely in our lower or higher chakras; we must find our balance.
Spirituality, devoid of action, leads to delusion. We can't simply wish for change or spend all day in introspection. We must acknowledge our patterns and barriers, do the energetic work, and then take inspired action to manifest shifts in our physical reality. I, too, fell prey to this, especially post-divorce, attempting to lead a strictly mundane, physical existence devoid of spiritual and intuitive connection. It proved futile.
No matter how much I strived to conform, how many material possessions I amassed, or how closely I adhered to the checklist of societal norms, it wasn't enough. My relationship lacked a connection to our higher selves and neglected the human spirit. It was a string of tasks and external expectations, a rigid set of rules. There was little room for true freedom and self-expression.
Following my divorce, I underwent a kundalini awakening—an experience that, for five years, took me offline from the world I'd known my whole life. This awakening thrust me to the far end of the pendulum's swing, propelling me into my higher chakras without grounding. For two and a half years, I explored the realms above, experiencing intense activations, speaking light languages, connecting with galactic civilizations, and unlocking new layers of sensuality. Still, I hadn't anchored myself to Earth or cultivated inner self-trust.
This awakening ushered new faces into my life, guides through this overwhelming journey. At some point, I had to reclaim my power, steer my own ship, trust myself. Yet, the more I tapped into my inner strength, the more mystical experiences I had, the stronger my desire to surrender my power to another, echoing my marriage.
I allowed people close, drawing in women wounded in their masculinity and men trapped in their wounded femininity. The wounded masculine energies pushed their way into my space, seeking to exploit my abilities, while the masculine figure I trusted to guide me was ensnared in his wounded feminine. We were both unwittingly stuck in a victim mentality, reinforcing the cycle within ourselves.
Finally, my soul rebelled against this self-imposed pattern. I decided enough was enough. I refused to endure chaos, to attract energies in disarray, shadows looming large. I stopped overextending myself, giving more than I received, seeking external validation. I relinquished the martyr energy. I craved peace, tranquility, growth through joy, not strife. I wasn't here to save anyone but myself. I was done.
This is where the journey back to the middle path commences, taking personal responsibility for the tapestry I've woven in my life, showing compassion to my own process. I orchestrated these experiences for growth, to explore both extremes. But I don't have to stay there. I don't need to victimize myself or dwell in regret for the choices I've made. On a higher plane, it all serves a purpose, if I choose to glean wisdom from it. After all, I set this in motion, I chose to delve into these themes in these ways. Now, it's time for action.
Beyond the pendulum's swing towards higher chakras, there's a lot of channeling, a lot of talk, but not enough action. Many teach things they themselves haven't fully embodied. This is why many starseeds struggle to manifest in the material realm, to create wealth and bring visions to life. On the other side, dwelling solely in the lower chakras, too rooted in the human experience, leads to imbalances. Yes, you can find
material success in the 3D realm, playing by the rules of the fallen matrix. Yet, you'll always feel a void within, a nagging sense of something missing, no matter how much you achieve. You'll remain on the hamster wheel, seeking to fill that emptiness in countless ways, but nothing will suffice.
That's when we realize that true fulfillment, contentment, and satisfaction arise from residing in the heart space, from merging physical realm energies with our higher self. They converge in our portal, harmonizing within.
The key lies in recognizing ourselves as energetic beings, in doing the work to elevate our vibration, and then taking inspired action. But action is paramount. Without it, there's nothing.
